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A Woman's Week at the Gym.

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Author Topic: A Woman's Week at the Gym.  (Read 460 times)
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Name~De'Andrea~AKA~Turquoise~Joined: 01/25/2012

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« on: May 05, 2012, 05:57:02 am »

                                                                          Dear Dairy,

                                                                          For my birthday this year, my husband
                                                                          purchased for me a week of professional
                                                                          training at the local health club. Although
                                                                          I am still in great shape since being a high
                                                                          school football cheerleader 43 years ago,
                                                                          I decided it would be a good idea to go
                                                                          ahead and give it a try.

                                                                          I called the club and made my reservations
                                                                          with a personal trainer named Christo, who
                                                                          identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics
                                                                          instructor and model for athletic clothing
                                                                          and swim wear.

                                                                         Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm
                                                                         to get started! The club encouraged me to
                                                                         keep a diary to chart my progress.

                                                                         Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get
                                                                         out of bed, but found it was well worth it
                                                                         when I arrived at the health club to find
                                                                         Christo waiting for me. He is something
                                                                         of a Greek god--with blond hair, dancing
                                                                         eyes, and a dazzling white smile. WOO HOO!!

                                                                         Christo gave me a tour and showed me
                                                                         the machines..I enjoyed watching the
                                                                         skillful way in which he conducted his
                                                                         aerobics class after my workout today.
                                                                         Very inspiring!

                                                                         Christo was encouraging as I did my
                                                                         sit-ups, although my gut was already
                                                                         aching from holding it in the whole time
                                                                         he was around.

                                                                         This going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

                                                                         I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally
                                                                         made it out the door. Christo made me lie
                                                                         on my back and push a heavy iron bar
                                                                         into the air the he put weights on it! My
                                                                         legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill,
                                                                         but I made the full mile. His rewarding
                                                                         smile made it all worthwhile. I feel
                                                                         GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.

                                                                         The only way I can brush my teeth is by
                                                                         laying the toothbrush on the counter and
                                                                         moving my mouth back and forth over it.
                                                                         I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.
                                                                         Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
                                                                         steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in
                                                                         the club parking lot.

                                                                         Christo was impatient with me, insisting
                                                                         that my screams bothered other club
                                                                         members. His voice is a little too perky
                                                                         for that early in the morning and when he
                                                                         scold, he gets this nasally whine that is
                                                                         VERY annoying.

                                                                         My chest hurt when I got on the
                                                                         treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair
                                                                         monster. Why the crap would anyone
                                                                         invent a machine to simulate an activity
                                                                         rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo
                                                                         told me it would help me get in shape and
                                                                         enjoy life. He said some other senseless
                                                                         stuff too.

                                                                         Butthole was waiting for me with his
                                                                         vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin
                                                                         cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl.
                                                                         I couldn't help being a half an hour late--
                                                                         it took me that long to tie my shoes.
                                                                         He took me to work out with dumbbells.
                                                                         When he was not looking, I ran and hid in
                                                                         the restroom. He sent some skinny witch
                                                                         to find me.
                                                                         Then, as punishment, he put me on the
                                                                          rowing machine--which I sank.

                                                                         I hate that moron Christo more than any
                                                                         human being has ever hated any other
                                                                         human being in the history of the world.
                                                                         Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic, little
                                                                         aerobic instructor. If there was a part of
                                                                         my body I could move without
                                                                         unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.
                                                                         Christo wanted me to work on my
                                                                         triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if
                                                                         you don't want dents in the floor, don't
                                                                         hand me the darn barbells or anything
                                                                         that weighs more than a sandwich.
                                                                         The treadmill flung me off and I landed
                                                                         on a health and nutrition teacher. Why
                                                                         couldn't it have been someone softer, like
                                                                         the drama coach or the choir director?

                                                                         Satan left a message on my answering
                                                                         machine in his grating, shrilly voice
                                                                         wondering why I did not show up today?
                                                                         Just hearing his voice made me want to
                                                                         smash the machine with my planner;
                                                                         however, I lacked the the strength to even use
                                                                         the TV remote and ended up catching
                                                                         eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel..

                                                                         I'm having the Church van pick me up for
                                                                         services today so I can go thank
                                                                        GOD that this week is over. I will also
                                                                        pray that next year my husband will
                                                                        choose a gift for me that is fun--like a
                                                                        root canal or hysterectomy. I still say if
                                                                        God had wanted me to bend over, he
                                                                        would have sprinkled the floor with

« Last Edit: May 05, 2012, 06:00:35 am by Nakia » Report Spam   Logged

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« Reply #1 on: May 05, 2012, 07:08:40 am »

 laugh  yeah i've said for years: dieting makes me grouchy, i hate exercising, so i just buy bigger pants.  dknow

hint: if you, like me have trouble reading cause the screen changed Nakia's margins, drag the screen smaller til its back in line.
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Beth, the crazy lady who lives on the corner

Skittles - scarlet macaw, Marley - black headed caique, Twiggy - quaker parrot, Ollie - yellow naped amazon, Caleb - Moluccan Cockatoo
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« Reply #2 on: May 05, 2012, 07:28:38 am »

I have lost 35 pounds in the last 5 months. All I did was get a job in a warehouse unloading trucks.   smile3 Nothing gets you in shape than unloading a semi by hand.  hardlaf
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« Reply #3 on: May 05, 2012, 07:43:56 am »

 dmblaf  yeah, sondra i know what ya mean, i've went from a 14 to a 10 (and those are getting too baggy, may hafta get some 8's next time i buy pants) just be working in a pharmacy and running back and forth across the store 500 times a day.  dmblaf
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Beth, the crazy lady who lives on the corner

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« Reply #4 on: May 05, 2012, 10:23:44 am »

OMG I was  laugh 
Hubs was like WTH are you reading?!  And then he was  laugh too!
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« Reply #5 on: May 05, 2012, 12:38:46 pm »

Can I get an AMEN up in here??????? :party:
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« Reply #6 on: May 05, 2012, 03:24:31 pm »

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