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Public Restrooms

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BuffaloParrot
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« on: June 29, 2010, 05:21:05 pm »

Public Restrooms


When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of

women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn,

you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.

 

Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman

You have got to be kidding me!  Excuses are like A-Holes, everyone has one slaph

leaving the stall..

You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait

has been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for

the modern 'seat covers' (invented by someone's Mom , no doubt) is

handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there

was one, but there isn't - so you carefully, but quickly drape it

around your neck, ( Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on

the FLOOR! ), yank down your pants, and assume ' The Stance.'

 

In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake.

You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe

the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold 'The Stance.'

 

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you

discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can

hear your mother's voice saying, 'Honey, if you had tried to clean the

seat, you would haveKNOWNthere was no toilet paper!' Your thighs shake

more.

 

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday -

the one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your

neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at

the same time). That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest

way possible. It's still smaller than your thumbnail

 

Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work. The door

hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your

chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the

toilet. 'Occupied!' you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping

your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose

your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT

 .. It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's

too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ

and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet

paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You

know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because,

you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat

because, frankly, dear, 'You just don'tKNOW what kind of diseases you

could get.'

 

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so

confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire

hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water

that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The

flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto

the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.

 

At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the

wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper

you found in your pocket and then slink out inconspicuously to the

sinks.

 

You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic

sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and

walk past the line of women still waiting.

 

You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the

very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from

your shoe. (Where was that when youNEEDED it??) You yank the paper

from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly,

'Here, you just might need this.'

 

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used,

and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, 'What took you so long,

and why is your purse hanging around your neck?'

 

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms

(rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men

what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly

asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so

the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you

Kleenex under the door!
 

This HAD to be written by a woman! No one else could describe it so accurately!
You have to be kidding me?!  Thank god I aint a women, excuses are like Butt Holes, everyone has one! slaph
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steptoe91(tozie)
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« Reply #1 on: June 29, 2010, 05:28:50 pm »

 laugh laffhrd laugh laffhrd
who needs fiction when nonfiction is just so much more hysterical?
been there, done that, now on long trips i just wear depends. at least its MY pee on my bottom.  lol
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Beth, the crazy lady who lives on the corner

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« Reply #2 on: June 29, 2010, 10:11:09 pm »

laugh laffhrd laugh laffhrd
who needs fiction when nonfiction is just so much more hysterical?
been there, done that, now on long trips i just wear depends. at least its MY pee on my bottom.  lol
.

My God!  You're that lady astronaut! bugeye
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« Reply #3 on: June 30, 2010, 12:29:07 am »

So true and hysterical (because it is not happening to me at this very moment)
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« Reply #4 on: June 30, 2010, 09:28:57 am »

My hubby has a theory. If we go in a restraunt and the restroom is dirty, he won't eat there. he says if the bathroom is filthy and you see it, imagine what the kitchen is like that you don't see. He has walked right out of places and off we go looking for another place.  dknow
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 “My brother and sister birds, you should praise your Creator and always love him: He gave you feathers for clothes, wings to fly and all other things that you need. It is God who made you noble among all creatures, making your home in thin, pure air. Without sowing or reaping, you receive God’s guidance and protection.”
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My rescued and adopted feathered family...
Zebra Finches - The widow Mary Meeper & her new beau Joey Peepers, Leo and all the "kids"
The Quakes - Jade & Buddy & Ducky
"Sunday" Conure - Bella
Canary Wing Parakeets - Dexter and Morgan
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Fly high little Johnny Meeper  - flew to the Rainbow Bridge 1-6-2010
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« Reply #5 on: June 30, 2010, 09:59:06 am »

jades, alot of people feel that way. when i worked at  the restaurant we had to check the condition of the bathrooms every 15 minutes. we're located at the perfect potty stop halfway between two major cities. oh, the stories i could tell...like the man who poo'ed his shorts, left them in the restroom floor and walked out with just his shirt and shoes on!  bugeye and he didnt run, just calmly walked out, got in his car and left.

My God!  You're that lady astronaut!
lol!  laugh i sooo forgot about that! i remember that now... laugh
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« Reply #6 on: June 30, 2010, 10:57:21 am »

 laffhrd laffhrd laugh laugh laffhrd laffhrd...oh, my belly hurts.....
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Rose-- you too my sweet girl Dec 27, 2011
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« Reply #7 on: June 30, 2010, 11:49:35 am »

 laugh laugh laugh laugh laugh

You should have put a depends dispenser in the bathroom....right next to the condoms and tampons....... laugh laugh laugh
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 “My brother and sister birds, you should praise your Creator and always love him: He gave you feathers for clothes, wings to fly and all other things that you need. It is God who made you noble among all creatures, making your home in thin, pure air. Without sowing or reaping, you receive God’s guidance and protection.”
St. Francis of Assissi

My rescued and adopted feathered family...
Zebra Finches - The widow Mary Meeper & her new beau Joey Peepers, Leo and all the "kids"
The Quakes - Jade & Buddy & Ducky
"Sunday" Conure - Bella
Canary Wing Parakeets - Dexter and Morgan
The Budgies - Waldo, Wanda,  Pixie, and Violet
Fly high little Johnny Meeper  - flew to the Rainbow Bridge 1-6-2010
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