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Allowing my heart to heal

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BrilliantFids
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« on: August 23, 2011, 12:57:35 pm »

I'm not sure if this is the right section for this post as its as much about Morgan and Maiya as it is Roxy. This is going to be a long post and I don't expect you guys to read it...I just needed to write it out.

Almost four years ago I lost my beloved Roxy very suddenly. Her death hit me harder than any human death ever has, not to say she meant more than my family but she was my life. Roxy was in all respects the perfect dog. I realize nobody and nothing can ever be perfect but she was as close as it gets. She was so smart, smart like Maiya is. She would pick up on new tricks instantly and she could do a huge number of them. She was both fierce and sweet, she held her own against any dog she met and often took on the dominant role. She was 1.6 pounds full grown but she thought she was a big tough dog. Everything I did Roxy did too. She was my constant companion and she helped me cope with our move her too Chippewa and being away from my family. My little girl was not afraid of anything, 4th of July we would take her to watch the fireworks and it never bothered her.

I have so many good memories of her..she was such a fun dog. I remember one day her running down a hill and going so fast her back legs came off the ground and she ran down on her front feet. Shane's mom still talks about that day all the time, thats just how special she was. Everyone who met her loved her and she left a lasting impact on us all. When she passed away I felt dead...I found her and fell to my knees and sobbed. I stayed there on the floor sobbing for hours. For months after her passing I could not even go to the pet stores because I didn't have her with me. I could not enjoy the outdoors, even sit in my own yard or go fishing without sobbing for her. Truth is I still sob for her all this time later but it is possible for me to enjoy life again.

Around one year after I lost Roxy I felt I was in a place where I could go ahead and get another Chihuahua. I did worry that I would compare the new puppy to Roxy and not connect with it because of that. But I decided to go ahead, I searched for months for one to grab my eye. I must of looked at over 200 ads for chihuahua puppies and I just was not finding one that stuck out to me. But August 10th I was looking at ads again and I came across one with no pictures so I emailed and asked for pictures of the girls. When the pictures came in there was two little girls, both chocolate and tan. One was pretty big and had the head type that I just don't care for. But then there was this sweet tiny little girl with the perfect head shape and the most loving eyes. Shane was outside and I ran out and screamed for him to come in..he knew instantly what I was calling for. We drove out to meet the puppies the next day, and that is when I met morgan. I put my deposit on her and found out that she was actually Roxy's niece. I knew then that it was meant to be. She came home 2 weeks later.

Things were great with her as a little puppy but as she grew I started to feel a disconnect with her. I loved her with my whole heart but I had started comparing her to Roxy. She was such a difficult dog..I was frustrated. I could not potty train her, I could not trick train her...I just could not get her to do anything. I felt like I rushed into it and maybe I got the wrong dog..but I knew that was not right because I loved her so much. I wish I could say I stopped comparing her to Roxy right away but I didn't. I guess just because they were so very different. I did not expect to get this puppy who I could not train, I have always been able to train my animals and I couldn't train her. I felt I failed her.

Eventually I stopped taking her places with me. We hung out at home and I loved that time but she wasn't the companion I was used to in Roxy. She didn't seem to thrive on my love and she didn't seem to care if I was there or not...she didn't seem to care about much at all.

Then the health issues started. I could not get her to put on weight, her hair was so thin, she had hypoglycemia and she snorted when she breathed. She hated toys, would not chew bones and all she wanted to do was sleep. So here I had this dog who I could not do a darn thing with..no training, no playing, couldn't spoil her with treats. How was I to ever truly bond with her....my heart began aching for Roxy more and more again.

Fast forward 2 1/4 years. I still loved Morgan with my whole heart but there was still a disconnect. I wanted so bad to have that constant companion again. I began thinking of another puppy but thought I would never be able to get one. But then by chance one day 3 little puppies wandered into Shanes moms yard. The next time we were there she took me to meet them as they lived in the house next door. I was smitten. Three little hair Schnauzer puppies all loving up on me. I instantly connected with the middle puppy with the silly ears. One ear up and one down. We walked back to Shanes moms and semi-jokingly I told Shane I wanted one. He said NO! Deep down though I knew he had always wanted a schnauzer..funny thing is I never liked schnauzers a ton. I guess I just never had the chance to get to know one and had never seen one as a puppy. So I began to think about this puppy when we got home and over the next week I kept bringing her up. One day Shane totally shocked me by saying "so you really love that puppy huh?" I nodded and he said "Ok you can get one". I was over the moon excited and I ran and told Morgan she was getting a sister and kissed her on her sweet little head.

Maiya came home and life was great. She was a great puppy and we had the connection I so desired. Over the next year things really started to change. I slowly saw Morgan in a different light and that connection I wanted from day one started to come. I guess I just needed Maiya to help get me out of my funk. I don't know. All I know is that I am happier right now than I have ever been.

I slowly started making changes with the Morgan. Starting with her dog food. I had always had her on really great food, all natural no grains yadda yadda. Very high in protein to help with her weight. But it never helped..she was skinny and boney and I could not fatten her up for anything. So I finally put her on a cheap not as great food. Little did I know this food would make her thrive, not only her but our relationship as well. She has been eating this food for 6 months now. She has bulked up a ton but even better she no longer has hypoglycemia, her breathing issues are better, her hair is thick and shiny, she has energy and she plays. She truly enjoys life.

My little brown dog is finally thriving. She enjoys life and we enjoy her. We have that bond now that I so longed. I think knowing she was unhealthy made me not want to get too close to her for fear of losing her like I did Roxy and going through that pain again. But with her health improving I don't have that fear as much now.

As much as I still miss Roxy I can now remember the good times and smile. She led me to two great dogs not to replace her but to fill the void. Morgan and I had a rocky start but now are inseparable. Maiya helped me learn how to love a dog again and she made me see the good in Morgan.

I am also happy to say that at 3 years old Morgan is now potty trained and yesterday she learned how to sit and shake. I think she knew all along that I  adored her but could not allow myself closure or the same relationship I had with roxy yet. Turns out she doesn't dislike me like I thought but was waiting for my heart to heal. littleangel

I want to add that she was never ignored or unloved. We just had a very different bond. Now though...her and Maiya are my soul.
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Debz
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« Reply #1 on: August 23, 2011, 02:27:35 pm »

that's beautiful.  What do you call this? not a memorial, not a .....wait, a declaration?  Regardless, that is just beautiful.  What compelled you to write this?
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« Reply #2 on: August 23, 2011, 03:21:38 pm »

Awww...I read every word. I know what you mean. You loved her  but weren't  "in" love. Now you are. Many happy years togetrher.
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« Reply #3 on: August 23, 2011, 03:32:05 pm »

What a wonderful tribute to Roxy, Morgan, and Maiya! I'm in tears, happy tears and sad tears. Happy that your heart's wound has healed and you can love with your whole heart again, and sad that Roxy has left you hurting so badly.   hugu
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« Reply #4 on: August 23, 2011, 03:50:06 pm »

A wonderful tribute indeed hugu
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« Reply #5 on: August 23, 2011, 07:25:28 pm »

 loveuk I can understand what you were saying and how you felt.  Zeus is just as special to me as Roxy was to you, and now Morg and Maiya.  And lets not forget Squigg.  they don't replace the other, they- in time help to love again and deal. loveuk
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« Reply #6 on: August 24, 2011, 01:15:34 am »

I totally get that feeling you had and have.  She was a part of you and it was taken away, it is hard to love another like that, it is not something that happens every day.  That type of bond I mean.

That was awesome and i enjoyed reading it. 
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« Reply #7 on: August 24, 2011, 02:51:26 pm »

I remember you telling me about Roxy and what her death did to you, and how you were not as close to Morgie.. and I was sad but I did understand.. you could not replace Roxy anymore than you could replace a person... then Maiya came and Morgie started to get healthy..the stress that came with her health problems did not help with the bonding for sure. :( 
 and I have seen a change in you too [when you talk about them], a good one.  hugu  I kept what you told me about Roxy and Morgan in the back of my mind everytime I saw a picure of them; and more recently Morgan, and I always hoped you would get to a better place regarding the three of them.. it is so good to hear that you have, really good.  time heals all wounds, but it takes a very looong time..it may even be a lifelong process; and there is usually a scar.  but it is taking place nontheless, and as your friend it warms my heart to see you doing better. 
 this was so beautifully written Tiff, thank you for sharing it.

 hugu
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« Reply #8 on: August 24, 2011, 08:49:19 pm »

healing does take time,maybe morgan sensed your hurt and didnt know how to handle it,maybe she was sort of giving u space and time to heal. i to know how long the hurt takes,sometimes it takes longer when we lose someone then it does with others,which i believe is because we have a deeper bond with some people or fur/feathered babies then others. i am glad that you are getting to really enjoy morgan now.  hugu
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